I try to understand the views of people south of the Union Bridge who are ranting about Scotland, I really do, but I can't get my head that far up my arsehole to make sense of any of them. I mean, I'm not only English myself, but I only moved to Edinburgh two years ago, so understanding England should be second nature to me, but I am completely lost.
The day before the election I was chatting on the 'phone to a very old friend in Manchester who wishes Scotland well and envies us our goodies. She reported that the lecturer at her Italian night school class was fearful about Labour having to rely on SNP votes in the event of a hung parliament. I laughed about that, thinking that she had the local nutter teaching her Italian, but she said very quietly that the view was not uncommon in Manchester.
Speaking to another old pal in London I heard similar stories about an irrational fear of Scottish hordes descending on London to give the city a taste of what the Soviet army had given to Berlin in 1945. He thought all this was as funny as me, and I put it all down to the fact that my mates had obviously bumped into some weird people.
The feeling that it was just a few unrepresentative tosspots giving it one with the wrist was confirmed when I called up some other old Mancunian cronies to jolly them along into voting Labour and found that they had no interest in Scotland. Fear of the Tories and further benefit cuts was all they cared about and quite rightly so.
The election results taught me which group of friends were correct in all this, and now the Herald has sent a reporter to England to write a story about the utter wankery that seems to be infecting people down there.
Some of it is good fun. Take Paul Taylor who complains: "I hate the way she (Nicola Sturgeon) says the word 'Tories'; I know she can't help the way she speaks any more than I can but I don't like her accent and I don't like the way she and her party see English people."
This is ultra bollocks, of course, because hating Tories and the class who vote Tory is as common on council estates in England as it is in Scotland. You also have to love the way he conflates "Tory" with "English people" as well.
No, it is not some Tory that I worry about, rather it's the so-called left down south. The attitude there seems to be that we have been "cynically manipulated" into making a "protest vote" that has let the Tories in. You just have to shake your head at that level of innumerate stupidity, don't you? The simple truth is that if you put together the SNP and Labour in the Commons they still cannot muster enough votes to defeat the scum sucking Tories. The fault for that lies in England, not Scotland.
As an Englishman in the constituency of Edinburgh North and Leith I voted for Deirdre Brock, the Australian born SNP candidate who has lived in the UK for less than twenty years as my next Member of Parliament. I did that because I did not trust the Labour Party to stand up for the working class and I wanted to give Ed Miliband a bit of the political Viagra that he would need with the Tories in front of him and his real enemies, the Blairites, behind.
It is not my fault that other English people bought into the Tory narrative. Neither is it my fault that metropolitan leftists seem to think that only they can set the terms of political debate and that the rest of us have to dance to their tune. Sorry, but those days are over.
Far too many people south of the River Tweed do not seem to have woken up to the new politics, and are reduced to making fatuous statements about the tartan menace instead.