Friday, 21 July 2017

The Guardian's Diminishing Readership Still Loses the Plot

What follows is so funny that you might want to put your tea down before reading on...

The comment was simple, concise and to the point, and only an idiot could misread it. Luckily for the Brexit cause, the average Federast is just such an idiot as the replies to the comment will demonstrate:

You see? The Guardian's below the line bovine Federast commentators cannot even read a simple couple of sentences. They mistook the referendum vote for the much more overwhelming parliamentary one, and then responded to what they thought they had read instead of what was actually on the screen in front of them.

In vain did the original commentator try to correct their error, because they ignored his reply and carried on making tits of themselves:

They were still at it the last time I checked. Still voting up idiotic comments in reply to a post that only exists in their pathetic minds.

It may be that the average Federast has imaginary friends who live inside his head and talk to him. It could be that those voices said that something else was written in the original comment and they listened to the voices, instead of reading what was actually right there on the fucking screen in front of their noses.

A more likely explanation is that they do not have much in the way of reading comprehension. It may be that your average Federast really is a sad little fuckwit with a pathetic little poly degree and a local government non-job.

Either way, as we push forward towards the final Brexit, we can take comfort from the fact that our enemies really are so unutterably stupid that whatever they try will only end in failure for them and hilarity for us.

Update: The Guardian's Mrs Grundy has stepped in to delete the thread and save her ickle snowflakes from our mockery. Alas, it was all too late 'cos I had already grabbed the screenshots!

Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Guardian Censors Debate About the EU Demand for a Bribe From Britain

The Guardian has a gloating report yesterday about the £60-odd billion or so bung that the EU wishes to extort from the UK as the price for waving them a less than fond farewell. The following comment lasted less than thirty minutes before the Guardian's Mrs Grundy deleted it. Clearly the paper doesn't want obvious parallels being drawn with other payments made by other states:

The point is that in 1919 Germany had to pay an eye-watering sum for the simple reason that she had lost the Great War. The terms were presented by the victors, who had kept alive their blockade of the German ports to ensure that hunger back home concentrated the minds of the German delegation wonderfully.

We have not lost a war and have no legal contractual obligations to the EU after the end of March 2019. Funnily enough that is the centenary anniversary of the Treaty of Versailles, which is the treaty that the Guardian does not want people to refer back to.

The Guardian's writ does not run at this here blog, so we can draw obvious conclusion that Brussels sees itself as the victor and can present any terms it wishes to the defeated British. This is a very foolish attitude to take as all it will achieve is to harden the British national trait of bloody-mindedness and lead us to tell Merkel and her gang not to try and dictate to us until after their armies have finished having their victory parade down Whitehall - and even then we are unlikely to listen.

Uncle Ken's view is that we should pay something in the interests of peace, quiet and getting the fuck out quickly. That something should be presented to the European Union as a bung that we are paying in the same way and for the same reasons that we pay similar bungs to other dodgy types in Latin-America and Eastern Europe. It is all about helping "beezness," so after the amount of the bung has been agreed, there is only one question that we need to ask:

Do they want their bung paid into in Swiss or Panamanian bank accounts, or do they prefer suitcases stuffed full of used fivers?

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

The EU Has Poisoned British Politics for Too Long

British involvement in the European Union has now poisoned politics in this country for almost half a century, and looks set to do so for many years to come. As I write, it is being reported that David Davis has claimed that Boris Johnson is a "failure" and "toxic to his own sister." Friends of Davis are saying that Philip May wants his wife to resign as Prime Minister, and allies of both Boris and Davis have threatened to kick each other in the balls on more than one occasion. Meanwhile, Philip Hammond is going round saying that he cannot remember claiming that public sector workers were overpaid, but an awful lot of his colleagues can.

Part of me is thoroughly enjoying the sight of the Tories fighting like rats in a sack over which one of them should replace Theresa May, even though they risk weakening Britain's negotiation position with Brussels. However, I then remember that Europe almost destroyed Labour in the 1970s and 80s, that Europe more than anything else led to the party splitting almost down the middle with the SDP schism helping to ensure that Labour stayed out of office from 1979 to 1997.

Europe poisons politics because it cannot be contained within the existing party system. There are just too many Federasts in both Tory and Labour ranks who are loyal to Brussels and not to Britain.

Labour Brexiteers have three glimmers of hope that put together should see us through to the other side when the European Union will be just a memory.

The first is the bloody minded nature of the British people who have shown throughout history that they will see things through, no matter what the cost. It was that bloody mindedness at Trafalgar that led the Royal Navy to send two columns of ships straight at the Franco-Spanish line with hardly any wind in their sails, until eventually they broke that line and destroyed the enemy fleet. A decade later, at Waterloo, that same bloody mindedness led a British army at Waterloo to stand with rock-like solidity on a hill and fire volley after volley of musket fire at Napoleon's advancing Old Guard until they broke and fled the field.  The Old Guard had never been defeated before. Many people believed that it was invincible, and it was until it ran up against the British infantry with their Brown Bess muskets and solid determination not to yield the field.

Say what you like about the British, we may not be the sharpest knives in the drawer, but we certainly make up for it with an almost wilful determination to see things through.

The second glimmer comes from today's Labour leadership, which is clearly determined to follow through with Brexit. Just recently, John McDonnell, the Shadow Chancellor said that he hoped that Britain can negotiate access to EU markets after Brexit. In other words, we are leaving the single market, just as Labour pledged in its election manifesto, but his words meant that Labour wants to negotiate an access deal that will cover post-Brexit trade, that's all.

That statement looks like a compromise to me, or at least a bone that has been thrown to the frightened Federast dogs that Labour has in its parliamentary ranks. Given that only fifty Labour Federasts voted for a pro-Brussels amendment to the recent Queen's Speech, that bone may be enough to keep the bulk of the Parliamentary Labour Party supporting the leader.

Finally, Jeremy Corbyn has a secret weapon at his disposal in Tony Blair, of all people. Every time Blair opens his mouth to speak on behalf of Brussels he cannot resist trying to stick the boot into Corbyn as well. Corbyn can rally support for his soft-Brexit policies just by reminding people of the forces of darkness that sit in the wings and who want to stop not just Brexit, but all of Labour's social policies as well.

It may be true that many Labour voters also voted Remain in June 2016, but Labour is able to offer many of them social policies such as free university tuition in England and Wales that other parties reject. It is quite likely that those voters will put those other Labour policies first and shrug their shoulders at Brexit - certainly that is what seems to have happened in the June 2017 General Election when Labour's manifesto made it quite clear that the party supports Brexit.

As far as Brexit is concerned, both major parties are now determined to follow this thing through and bind the suppurating wound to our body politic that our membership of the EU has created.

The question the country must ask is quite simple can the Tories put aside their civil war until around April 2019?

Wednesday, 28 June 2017

The Edinburgh Brexit Crew Reunited for the First Anniversary of our Great Victory

A good night was had by all last Friday as the group that helped win the Brexit victory met up for the first time since last year to celebrate that magnificent day. This is me, the semi-crippled old fat bastard on the left, sat with Tom, the former group organiser.

Here's the lovely Morven, sat next to her husband, Stefan. At the back the bloke with the beard is Oluf, and Otto stands to the front and on the right. I can't remember the names of the two fellas stood between Otto and Oluf, but they were nice blokes for all that and I hope they forgive me.

Here's Alan Melville, in the American football shirt. Alan is probably the last remaining Kipper in Edinburgh, but he's a great bloke for all that.

Finally, just today I bumped into Ian McGill, the owner of the Harmony Employment Agency at 142a Ferry Road, Edinburgh. As soon as he saw my Labour T-shirt he grabbed his Tory jacket and we had a photo taken. Ian is a good man, a committed Brexiteer, and unusually for a Tory, he has some human DNA in his body. Maybe it's the Scottish air, who knows, but Scottish Tories do seem rather more civilised than their feral counterparts in England.

T'was a great victory and we all have stories to tell our grandchildren: and mighty bored they will be!

Monday, 26 June 2017

Tories Admit That the Magic Money Tree Really Does Exist!

The first photo has emerged of the magic money tree which the Tories claimed didn't exist. Actually it does and it grows in Northern Ireland, which is why today several large men in bowler hats were seen pushing wheelbarrows away from Downing Street, loaded with £1 billion worth of fertiliser for it.

Let's look on the bright side, the Democratic Unionist Party may be a trifle too conservative for me, but when it comes to economic matters they are on the far left, and that's all that matters right now. So the Tories have had to drop their plans to screw pensioners by abolishing the triple-lock, keep winter fuel payments, and dump their plans to reduce care for the elderly. As someone who is looking forward to getting a whacking great pay rise when he goes on pension in 2022, all I can say is thank fuck the cry really is No Surrender!

Sunday, 25 June 2017

A Scold's Bridle From Yesterday and Today

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

This is a scold's bridle, used to keep scolding woman, or gobby birds as we now call them, quiet. Photographed in the Edinburgh Museum today.

Here is the modern equivalent. Rather more up to date in design but it serves the same purpose.

Friday, 23 June 2017

Today is the First Anniversary of Glorious Brexit

A year ago today we voted to free ourselves from the clutches of Brussels. We had been told by various scum sucking Federast types that if we voted for freedom we would be condemning Britain to another generation of right-wing Tory rule, a line that I look back on today with a head-shaking grin.

Had we lost the vote a year ago then David Cameron would still be Prime Minister and the Chancellor would still be Gideon George Osborne. Dave and Gids would still be following their policies of austerity and nothing would have changed in any way.

Instead we sent Dave off to spend more time with his millions and Gids was packed off from Downing Street to Fleet Street. We ended up with a government headed by a woman who is obviously unable to think on her feet, that promised us that it would be strong and stable, but instead is clearly weak and wobbly. Waiting in the wings is a Labour opposition that is newly invigorated and thirsting for another election to give the final kick to scummy Toryism and send them off into opposition, hopefully for another generation at least.

We did all that. We, the Brexiteers, we created the chaos that has left a government reeling from crisis to crisis, in office but not in power, and just waiting for another event to crop up that will send them spinning out of office.

Now is the time to push on against a feeble regime. Brexit is a done-deal - we are leaving the European Union in March 2019 with or without an agreement, and it is time to start talking about the type of country that we want, once we are no longer restricted by Brussels.

How many industries do we want to nationalise? How many industries do we want to recreate? If we are going to start producing finished goods in large quantities again then energy is going to be needed so are we going to reopen coal mines and rebuild coal fired power stations to provide both energy and jobs?

None of these questions would even have been asked had we not, a year ago today, ignored the arse-crawling Federasts who told us to vote to remain a province of the European Union.

Hey, if you want to relive the glory days, why not buy a copy of The Brexit Collection, from Amazon and all good bookshops? If you fancy a signed copy for your bookshelf then drop me a line. It's guaranteed to really, truly, deeply offend every Federast and Neo-Quisling who catches sight of it.

Monday, 12 June 2017

Reflections on the 2017 General Election

This Tory meme has left its creators with egg on their faces, with Jeremy Corbyn's Labour Party looking more and more like a government in waiting, with Theresa May's Tories increasingly appearing as a party in office but not in power. How did we get into this ludicrous situation?

People do not like being asked to vote when it is not necessary, is the first answer to that question. Back in 1974 the Tories asked the people to decide who governs? The people, myself included, replied that it wasn't going to be a collection of clowns who asked daft questions like that and we threw them out. This month the Tories did something equally silly in calling an election that was not needed and then being surprised at the result. Put simply, we expect the government to govern so that we can get on with our lives, and Theresa May forgot that basic rule.

The other lesson of this election is that any party that tries to fuck with the baby boomers does so at its peril. The Tories tried to remove the pensions' triple lock and paid the price for that. They also came up with a reform of elderly care that led an awful lot of boomers to realise that the houses that they hoped to inherit would vanish in nursing home fees. That Dementia Tax as Labour quickly dubbed it was also a reason why many people chose not to vote Tory this time around.

We should remember that the Tory vote actually went up in this election and the just over 42 percent that they scored was a higher number than Cameron managed in both 2010 and 2015. The problem they had was that Labour's vote also rose to 40 percent, and that both main parties then took chunks out of the Liberal Democrats, UKIP and Scottish National Party's share of the seats. It looks like we are back to two-party politics in Great Britain, so 42 percent is not enough to form a government with an overall majority.

That said, if the governing party can pull itself together, then there is no reason why a reasonable government cannot emerge from this chaos that can then run the country for the next four or even five years. That is something that the bulk of the population would welcome.

To be honest, the thought of another election makes my blood run cold. The Democratic Unionist Party has thrown in its ten seats behind the Tories, and although that party is socially very conservative, when it comes to benefits, pensions and government spending it puts Labour to shame.

So long as the government concentrates on the big issue, which is Brexit, and ignores pretty much everything else, then I see no reason why this Tory government cannot survive for a full term.

All they need to do is remember that the baby boomers are not to be touched until enough of us have died off in about ten years to make that possible. Oh, and give the Ulstermen lots of money.

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Vote Labour Today

I voted today at 1.30pm to try and ensure that the strong & stable bollocks that the Tories were coming out with was consigned to history. It's probably a forlorn hope, but just image the fun you will have when you go to work tomorrow and see the look on the face of the snot-gobbling management git with his National Front haircut and cheap suit who likes to give you old buck.

Labour is offering us goodies the like of which we could only dream about under previous leaders. A defence of the triple lock on pensions, nationalisation of several industries, an end to university fees are just three that come to mind.

More importantly even than the goodies is the knowledge that  Labour under Corbyn is a party that is committed to Brexit - and probably a hard one as well. Say what you like about old Jezza, his opposition to that capitalist front goes back decades.

Yeah, I know, it is asking a lot to expect normal people to vote for a party headed by a man who is a teetotal vegetarian who has fucked Dianne Abbott, but let's put that to one side and concentrate on the goodies that are on offer.

Turnout here in Edinburgh North & Leith was very high today as people trudged through the piss-pouring rain to cast their ballots. If we can do it then so can you:

Vote Labour!

Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Some Information for First-Time Tory Voters

His Satanic Majesty wishes to advise all first time Tory voters of the following changes to the schedule:

The free baby that you have been promised to eat will only be handed over after you have performed your abominable voting act. 

The pretty puppy dogs that you were due to get on voting day to drown will now be delivered the day after the vote.

The need to perform the osculum infame has been dropped for the 8th June 2017 only. Your cross on the paper next to a Tory candidate is proof enough of your willingness to move over to the dark side.

His Satanic Majesty feels sure that you will accept these minor changes.

Friday, 2 June 2017

Labour starts to climb in the polls as Tory landslide hopes fade

Any Tory reading this may very well wish to clench his arsehole before reading further to avoid embarrassing accidents:

The latest Ipsos-Mori poll out just today has the Tories on 45%, Labour on 40% and the Lib-Dems on a derisory seven. Now I know we all ignored the YouGov poll on Wednesday, 'cos one swallow does not make a girlfriend, but this is a trend that we are seeing here, folks, and we ignore them at our peril.

Women appear to be deserting the Tories in large numbers, and if the Tories lose that faithful constituency then they really are in trouble.

Finally, Mr Plod has decided the charge South Thanet Tory candidate Craig Mackinlay over his 2015 election expenses. Decided today, that is, with less than a week to go until polling day. 

All good fun!

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Labour Is Doing Well, but the Tories Should Still Win

The latest Times/YouGov poll is out and should provide a good bowel-loosening moment or two for the Tories, but I don't believe it. My reading of the situation tells me that Mother May will be returned with a decent majority next week, a view that I have held since the campaign began and which has only strengthened as I watched it unfold.

 YouGov seems to believe everything that every 18-24 year old tells them about their intention to vote. Alas, I don't, and nor do I believe that the Brexit voting areas of Northern England and the Midlands will suddenly forget the insults that were hurled at them in the months after the Brexit referendum. If Brexit is your main aim in life then a vote for the Tories is the cast-iron way to pretty much guarantee that result.

Labour is doing well, there is no question about that. Hopefully, the Tory majority will be around the fifty seat mark, which is a bloody miracle when you consider the fact that some quite serious people thought that Labour was going to self destruct during this campaign.

You can understand their point of view, because let's face it, any party that elects a leader who is a teetotal vegetarian who once fucked Dianne Abbott is going to have an electoral mountain to climb that is even more massive than Diane Abbott herself. It is a sign of Labour's growing self-confidence that it can overcome those hurdles and present itself as the alternative party of government. The Liberal-Democrat and Greenie vote has been squeezed down and hopefully will be reduced some more by next week.

So, Labour has not only overcome its leader's image problems, it has also managed to demonstrate to all and sundry that it is the only national alternative to the Tories. At the end of the day, if anyone wants the Tories out, then voting Labour is the only way to achieve that aim.

I call that a pretty good result, even though it will not be enough to give Labour a victory this time around.

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

The Latest Attack on Manchester

Manchester has been attacked again, and as in the past it must pick itself up and carry on. It is the toughest of all the northern cities and this is not the first time that her enemies have tried to weaken Britain by hitting Manchester.

On the 22nd December 1940, starting at 8.00pm and lasting until 6.00am the following day, the German airforce dropped almost 300 tons of bombs on the city and returned the next night to drop another 200 tons. Almost 700 people were killed, and the city was left devastated. The above photo was taken looking along Deansgate towards the cathedral. Last night's atrocity took place a couple of hundred yards beyond that cathedral.

The Cooperative Wholesale Society  had a film crew which made a short documentary of the attack, and which I reproduce above. Note that the city did no whinge or whine, it just got on with its collective life and worked for victory and revenge.

My mother was a conscripted munitions worker at the Avro factory which made Lancaster bombers. In 1945 those bombers paid a visit to Dresden and helped smash it to rubble, with the American bombers then visiting the ruins to bomb them into dust.

As I write, various nauseatingly trendy types are telling us to be tolerant and understanding and an army of parasitic social workers are descending on the city to hold Mancunian hands.

Nobody needed to hold the people's hands in 1940 because they were Mancunians and they know that Manchester is the greatest city in the world. All they needed then was the knowledge that our enemies would be crushed under foot, and that is all we need to hear today. An assurance from the government that our enemies will be battered into submission, no matter how long it takes. 

Over to you, Mrs May.

Monday, 22 May 2017

After Maria Gatland, Gerry McGivern Emerges as Another IRA Member the Tories Welcomed

Following right along from yesterday's re-outing of Maria Gatland as a senior local Tory, let's meet Gerry McGivern, who died at the ripe old age of 46 in Torquay, England, where he lived the final years of his life. His local Tory club were so sad to have to say goodbye to "Irish Gerry" as they called the lovable bomber and drug dealer that they lowered their club's Union Flag to half mast on the day of his funeral.

Irish Gerry, as we shall call him for the benefit of any Tories who may read this and feel fondness for their late member, was an active member of both the IRA and British Intelligence. Eventually, following the night when he broke into an old woman's house with a baseball bat, the IRA decided to drop his services, and following yet more disputes with them it seems they may have even decided to bump him off.

McGivern then coughed to his British handlers and a deal was done whereby he got the fairly light sentence of six years in prison, and the British agreed to quietly forget about the night when he helped blow a British soldier's legs off.

After his release he moved to Liverpool, and engaged in yet more lovable, roguish activity by flogging heroin to the local druggies. He served three years for that, left prison eventually and moved to Torquay where the Tories welcomed him with open arms as one of their own.

To be fair, and we must be fair even to Tories, Irish Gerry's past was only discovered after his death, so the party has a sort of get-out clause in his case.

I remember reading that book, To Take Arms: A Year in the Provisional IRA, back in the 1970s and thought at the time that there was a brittle, self-absorbed, middle class dilettante who didn't really understand street politics. It came as no surprise to learn that she has become a Tory since it is the natural home of people of her class.

What did surprise me was the way in which the Tories kept her in their fold after she was outed as a senior IRA member in 2008. First they went through the motions of suspending her in December 2008, then she was welcomed back into the fold just a month later in January 2009, and allowed to remain a Tory councillor, whereupon the voters of her leafy ward continued to return her to office at every election right up to the present day.

On one level you can understand why the Tories did that, as Gatland is genuinely one of them. In 2010, Gatland was reported as telling people how excited she was to attend a council meeting where a vote was taken that cost sixty local people their jobs.

Obviously not as excited as she was in her miniskirted heyday when she was plotting with the IRA to blow people up, but she was a fairly decent looker in those days so you can understand how she rose to near the top of the organisation via her willingness to be bedded by its then leader, so excitement came thick and fast. Today she appears as a tired old boot, so getting worked up about putting people on the cobbles is probably about the best she can hope for.

So, we have an ex-IRA man who went drinking with Tories in Torquay, and when he died, they lowered our country's flag in his honour. We also have a former IRA woman who became a Tory councillor and was allowed to remain one even when her past became known.  

That the Tories have the brass neck to condemn Jeremy Corbyn for talking to Sinn Fein back in the day and trying to make peace in Northern Ireland just makes their hypocrisy all the more risible

Please remember that when you cast your vote on the 8th June 2017.

Sunday, 21 May 2017

Forget Corbyn and Sinn Fein: Meet the Senior Tory Who Was in the IRA

As the Tories attack Jeremy Corbyn for trying to negotiate with Sinn Fein, the IRA's political front back in the 1970s, it is time to remember that they have elected members in their party who were once senior figures in the IRA itself.

Meet Councillor Maria Gatland, who sits on Croyden Council. Under her maiden name of Maria McGuire she travelled to Amsterdam in 1971 to try and buy a shipment of arms from the Czechs to be used against British soldiers. The operation failed, but since Maria was by then polishing the knob of senior IRA man David O'Connell who went with her on the failed trip, he at least got to come home with his balls nicely empty and a big grin on his Fenian face.

Remember: Corbyn tried to make peace in Northern Ireland and the Tories welcome people in their ranks who tried to help the slaughter continue!

Now click here to read about another ex-IRA man that the Tories loved to have in their ranks!

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Pippa Middleton is Still Best Viewed From Behind

Reporting on Pippa Middleton's wedding to some bloke, the Guardian had this to say about her dress: "The upstanding lace collar is rather fashion-forward, and the heart-shaped keyhole detail at the nape of the neck makes the dress interesting when seen from behind." I cannot believe that the Guardian did not know what it was doing with that sentence, for do we not all, in a very real sense find the new Mrs James Matthews best viewed from behind?

Who can forget that glorious day in May 2011 when, lacking anything else to do, the nation switched on its TV sets to watch a royal wedding and found  a porn video was being broadcast instead?

The fappening was certainly happening that day, we can be sure, as this poor sod found out to his cost when his girlfriend decided to make her displeasure known:

All good fun!

Labour's Trust Problem

There are a lot of us who agree with this meme which is currently going the rounds like a steam powered ferret. Looking at the polls it is obvious that Labour has a floor to its vote of around thirty percent which nothing the Tories or anyone else can do will shift. The Lib-Dem and even the Green vote is being eaten into by Labour, as people realise that a vote for anything but Labour is actually a vote for the Tories.

Labour's manifesto is a dream document for many of us, with poll after poll showing that these are policies that clear majorities of the population agree with. Yet Labour cannot get much above its thirty percent floor, so what's going on?

Choosing a government is not the same as going to the Tesco website and selecting next week's groceries. The bulk of the population want to cast their votes every few years and then forget about politics until the next time rolls around. To do that they choose a party that they by and large agree with, that has an image that they like, and then they vote for it. Most people have little idea about the minutia of policy and expect that their party will more or less put forward policies that they approve of.

Image matters, so Labour gets a free ride on the NHS and benefits, with people assuming that the party will defend both. The Tories get their freebies from the economy, national defence and lower taxes. That was why they were able to get away with failing to reduce the deficit under Cameron, why John Major was able to privatise the army barracks and close down the military hospitals and why Thatcher got away with doubling VAT. People assume that even when the Tories do crappy things to the military or over the economy, they are still better than the alternative in those areas.

The best that Labour can do under present circumstances is to pick holes in Tory economic policies, and point out the fact that Labour's policies are far better costed and rely less on blind faith. Then hope that enough blokes in Walsall and enough birds in Nuneaton decide that, on balance, they will vote Labour next month.

It won't win Labour the election, that is out of the question, but if Labour can reach the near mid-thirty percent of votes cast then it is a base to stand on for the future.

Monday, 15 May 2017

Guest Posting: The Wankery that is Intersectioanality


 Tim Collard was one of our men in Peking for many years before becoming HM Consul-General in Hamburg until his retirement. He is fluent in both German and Mandarin and now forms a part of the Oxford Union in exile which meets up every Wednesday evening in an Edinburgh swill shop to discuss matters of great weight and drink beer.

If you have never heard of intersectionality, don't worry because most normal people haven't either. In a nutshell, intersectionality is the latest wanky idea from people who are supposedly several times discriminated against because of who they are. So a Black, disabled woman can claim to be triply discriminated against and thus triply able to pontificate to the rest of us. Now you know...

Just a brief point about ‘intersectionality’. Apart, of course from the obvious truth that anyone using the word seriously deserves to have their mental competence assessed at below zero, and, if in an academic institution, to be carried out of it by people in white coats and placed in a different sort of institution. 

Pain leads nowhere. Most of us have experienced it, either in mental form, in physical form or in the form of oppression. It’s horrible. But it hasn’t got much to teach us, except that it isn’t nice. It doesn’t give you any insights. It entitles you to sympathy and compassion, which includes being listened to. But it doesn’t make any of your perceptions objectively more valid than anyone else’s. 

But, if the perceptions of people who have suffered the pain of oppression merit a sympathetic hearing and practical compassion, that doesn’t mean they are any more deserving of objective respect as views. Abraham Lincoln argued cogently along these lines on the subject of slavery, which he nonetheless fought and died to defeat. 

I am opposed to the death penalty. But, you might ask, might I not take a different view if one of my loved ones were horribly murdered? Yes, of course it would. I’d like to see the bastard boiled in oil. But I would be the very last person whose view should be solicited on such an occasion. Please, please don’t ask me.

But, if the views of those who have suffered direct injustice should not be taken as a guide to the formulation of policy, how much importance should be attached to the views of those who can only say that they belong to the same gender, or to the same nationality, or to the same ethnic group, as someone who has suffered oppression? Easy answer. None whatsoever. Zilch. Nada. Sweet zip dangdoodley zeroesville Idaho (h/t tip Stephen Fry). And, as you people have no real skin in the game, it never seems to occur to you that pretending to support feminism or LGBT rights on the one hand and the rights of Islamic societies to enforce their rules on the other is just fucking ridiculous. But why should it? You’re just bloviating and trying to keep in with the crowd. 

And so I come to my peroration, in the tradition of the late Marcus Tullius Cicero. ‘Intersectionalists’, just fuck off, fuck off some more, and when you’ve fucked off as far as you can fuck, then keep on fucking off until there isn’t any more off to fuck. By then you have probably reached the outer walls of the universe, so just fuck off that wee bit more.

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

Uncle Ken Defends Labour on BBC Radio 5 Live

The BBC Radio 5 Live interview went reasonably well, and I asked a BBC fellow who was standing around to take the above photo. Sitting on the right is the luscious blonde interviewer, whose name escapes me at the moment. On her right is the Tory voter, in front of him is the Liberal-Democrat man and the woman next to him spoke for the SNP. The fat bastard next to her is yours truly, who actually looks sleek and slender compared to about half the men in Scotland.

Mrs SNP made the point several times that she is not actually a member of the party, however she turned up with her notebook that I noticed was chock full of discussion points and sound bytes. She mentioned before the interview started that she was involved with Women for Independence, which is an SNP front, so she's not a party member, but she is a wholly owned subsidiary.

We introduced ourselves and then Miss Luscious-Blonde interviewed Alex Salmond who was in Aberdeen. Speaking to him is a bit like wrestling a greased pig, which was why broad grins were seen on the faces of the three non-SNP interviewees.

Salmond finished dancing around the interviewer, we went to the news, and then we were supposed to be up. However, two journalists had been put in at the last minute so they took twenty minutes out of our time slot.

Eventually we were on and I had already decided that defending Labour was a waste of time, but trying to pull holes in the SNP wasn't - so I hit the Nats with both barrels. Nothing personal, folks, but you have fucked around with my disability benefit and reneged on your promise to raise tax on the rich to 50p in the pound.

I managed to forget the reason why I had agreed to go on the show, which was to plug my books, but what the Hell, I enjoyed the morning.

When it was all over Mrs SNP scampered off, and I suggested a pint or three to the two fellows. Amazingly enough, in a country that floats on a sea of beer they both made their excuses and left. Feeling thoroughly embarrassed on behalf of Scottish manhood, I as a Mancunian who has only lived here for a few years, sloped off to a pub to lift a jar on behalf of the men of a whole country.

Don't thank me: I was only doing my duty.

You can hear the whole show at this link. Click on the 10 May show, then jump forward to the 50 minute mark if you just want to hear the ten minute segment that I was involved with.

Uncle Ken Goes on the Wireless Today at 10.00am.

Tune in to Radio 5 Live this morning at 10.00am if you fancy listening to my dulcet tones. There will be a round table discussion involving four Edinburgh voters who are all pledged to vote for one of the four main parties.

As I understand it, we will each be asked a few questions, then we go over to an interview with Alex Salmond, followed by the round table discussion about him, his party, and whatever else comes up.

All this takes place in the Elephant House, an upmarket coffee shop and eatery where J.K. Rowling is supposed to have written some or all of the first Harry Potter novel. Coffee comes courtesy of Auntie Beeb, so I suppose we should be grateful for that.

I hope to plug my books and this blog. The only problem I have is finding something positive to say about today's Labour Party. Wish me luck.

Sunday, 7 May 2017

The Joys of Betting on the General Election

To the bookies this morning to place some bets on the General Election, or at least to try to place them.

My first port of call was Coral who are offering odds of 8/1 for Labour to get between 200 and 249 seats. I figured that was worth a fiver of my money, but the clerk behind the counter just stared at me blankly, looked at his screen, then announced after pressing a few buttons and scrolling through a few screens, that he couldn't find a horse named General Election, and could I remember which racecourse it was at?

Having patiently explained that little problem he then tried to call his head office to confirm the odds, but couldn't get the phone to work, in spite of banging the receiver on the counter several times. I told him not to worry, and that I would call back the following day.

I crossed the street and went into a William Hill's as they are offering bets on individual constituencies. It took a few minutes to explain this to the clerk, but he got the idea eventually and agreed to call his main office to confirm the odds. Eventually I was able to place a fiver each on:

Tories to take Sheffield Hallam at 10/1. Yeah, I know, it's a long shot, but it's a prayer that Nick Clegg just gets left with his arse hanging out the window, and the Tories are the only ones who can do it.

Tories to take Westmorland and Lonsdale, an 8/1 long shot, but with rather more possibility to it than the first one. Tim Farron is the MP and for a party leader to lose his seat is pretty much unprecedented. That said, the Tories are spending a lot of money on the seat, it is in a Brexit area, so if there is going to be an upset it could happen there.

Labour to hold Burnley at 7/4. The Lib-Dems are the favourites for this seat, which strikes me as crazy. Burnley is in the Brexit heartland, and Labour are now a Brexit party. More importantly, sources in UKIP tell me that having won a county council seat last week, they feel confident that Burnley will be the seat where they can do rather better than just save their deposit. They also have money to spend in Burnley and a pretty active membership. All that together should prevent the Tories from coming through the middle, so Labour looks like a good bet for Burnley.

So I managed to place most of my bets, but I am left wondering that if bookies' clerks have to have a General Election explained to them, just how disengaged people are in this most crucial election?

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Uncle Ken Voted Tory Today!

I voted Tory today for the first time ever! Don't worry, I haven't taken leave of my senses, as Scotland uses single transferable vote for the local elections and there were ten candidates for four seats in my ward. I just had to put the Greenies in at number ten, so that meant giving the Tories my ninth preference, just ahead of the Lubeless Dem no-hoper, who I hope will bite the pillow and cry tomorrow.

As you can see, there was nothing subtle about the Tory agitprop, with the Unionist message being up close and personal. I was sorry to see that they had not managed to get men in bowler hats to stand around the street, playing flutes and banging drums, but we live in hopes that they will turn out next month.

To be fair, the SNP have been just as bad, but managed to be a bit more discrete about their latest campaign for independence. Still, it has been made clear across social media that they are after a high vote as part of the IndyRef2 campaign, which is tough shit for those of us who want to drive our cars on the left of the road, and not what is left of the roads.

Yes, as far as I am concerned this is really about local councillors for local issues, and since one of the Labour candidates helped me sort out a problem with street rubbish and the other one has developed a good reputation for helping claimants, that was good enough for me to put them in as one and two.

A bloke named Alan Melville is standing as an independent so he got the number three spot on my top ten list. Alan and I met each other during the Brexit campaign and I am pleased to see that he has dumped UKIP and returned to the ranks of the sane and sensible. Anyway, he is a decent fellow and deserved a preference. Next I went for another independent who has a thing about our appalling roads in Edinburgh, then the two SNP candidates, before going down to the coalition of losers.

Turnout seemed to be low, but I was told that the police have said that this action at this polling station is fairly brisk when compared to a lot of others.

The staff are under orders not to try and explain the intricacies of STV voting to the punters, but they were repeating the information that is stuck up on posters around the place, which is basically to list the candidates in order of their preference. I saw one man struggling with his ballot paper, and expect a fair number of ballot papers to be rejected, as the count progresses tomorrow.

Edinburgh now has a counting machine, which should make everything go smoothly, unless it breaks down, of course, which Sod's Law states that it will.

After exercising my franchise I wandered off to a Starbucks and told the girl behind the counter that I didn't really fancy a strong and stable latte, but wouldn't say no to one that was made up of a chaotic collation of beans. For my efforts I was rewarded with a completely blank look, and as I smiled into her eyes, all I saw was my own image, reflected back.

I fear for democracy in this country, I really do.

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Why Has Everyone Forgotten the Local Elections?

I was planning to do a whole series of pieces on the local elections, but since nobody seems to give a tinker's cuss for them, including the candidates, I sort of forgot the idea. I will drag my aching old arse off to the polling station this coming Thursday as you do, but other than that for the first time in my life I have no real interest in a political contest.

Here in the Leith Walk ward of Edinburgh Council, I have had three leaflets, and no canvassers knock on my door. The first leaflet was from the Greenies, then I got a generic Tory one and finally a missive from the SNP which sang the praises of one candidate, whilst ignored pretty much her running mate. God knows what is going on in the SNP, is all I can say.

From Labour I have not heard a word. No leaflets, no canvassers, nothing. The lack of canvassing is worrying because Labour always managed to send its troops out to jolly its supporters into going to the polls. Ordinary people like having someone knocking on their doors, and Labour cannot rely on a self-motivating electorate like the Tories can.

I wrote to a fellow who runs the Momentum Edinburgh Facebook page and asked him what was going on. He replied that there were street stalls in operation, and told me about one that was near my home last Saturday. I should have pointed out that street stalls are what you do if you are desperate due to a lack of party members, but we are told that Labour's membership is booming, so where are the lazy little shits?

The SNP also have a big membership, not that you would believe it when you consider their non-existent campaign.

Being of a curious bent I spoke to friends in those parts of England that also have a vote on Thursday, and the same thing is happening there as well. No campaigns, no literature, no interest from either the electorate or the parties.

Are you expecting a final analysis of this problem? I'm sorry, but I can't give one. I have no idea why members of political parties are so utterly bovine these days that they cannot turn out to mobilise their supporters to try and win an election.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Liberal Sex Scandals: Paddy Pantsdown, Jeremy Thorpe and the Spirit of Rinka, Woof! Woof!

A young fellow over at Facebook asked me if Paddy Ashdown became known as Paddy Pantsdown because of a homosexual scandal. I replied in the negative, since Pantsdown was created in 1992 as a result of getting involved in an extra-curricular leg over situation with his secretary five years earlier, and that secretary was very much a girl.

The confusion had come about because Jeremy Thorpe, a predecessor of Pantsdown as Leader of the Liberal Party had not only buggered a man, one Norman Scott, but had then tried to hire the most cack handed hitmen in Britain to kill him when Scott's persistent demands for money became insufferable.

All they managed to do was shoot dead Rinka, Scott's Great Dane, which was an animal, by the way, and not a well hung Scandinavian.

Eventually the whole sordid story came out and Thorpe and his gang were had up for attempted murder in 1979. 

Luckily for them, the prosecution had to rely on some fairly dubious characters, the judge was on their side, and the jury took the hint and found them all not guilty. Within days the late Peter Cook set up the judge in a masterpiece of satire that deserves another outing:

In the run-up to the trial we had the 1979 general election, which led Auberon Waugh to stand in Thorpe's constituency as the standard bearer of the Dog Lovers' Party. Alas for him, Thorpe took out an injunction to prevent distribution of his election address, but Waugh had published it as his weekly column in the Spectator. The magazine hastily withdrew as many copies as it could to comply with the injunction, but enough got out that, thanks to photocopiers, the address could see the light of day. Which is why people were telling each other: "Rinka is NOT forgotten. Rinka lives. Woof, woof. Vote Waugh to give all dogs the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

It emerged in the trial that Jeremy Thorpe was not a believer in the use of lube whenever he wished to exercise his pink oboe, because Norman Scott testified that he was forced to "bite the pillow and cry" when he was in receipt of that instrument. It is for this reason that the Liberal Democrats are still occasionally referred to as the Lubeless Dems even to this day, at least by me.

Now that the confusion between the two cases has been cleared up, it is important that I make it clear that I do not seek to influence your vote in any way. It may very well be that you believe that casting a ballot for a party that has been led by an admitted arse bandit who tried to hide the evidence of his banditry by having the witness bumped off, and then some years later by an illicit shagger is a vote for a decent and honourable party.

That is a matter for you and your conscience.

Thursday, 20 April 2017

Vote Labour and Defend the Pension Triple Lock

Do you trust the scummy Tories to keep the triple lock on pensions? The fuckers have been talking for some time now about getting rid of it, and this election offers them the perfect opportunity to do what Tories enjoy the most: reducing yet more people to poverty.


Labour has pledged to keep the triple lock until 2025 at the earliest, so if you are in your early 60s like me and want to avoid a retirement spent in poverty then a vote for Labour is what the Americans call a no-brainer.

Labour's One Chance of Victory

In the pub tonight, chatting with two old cronies from days of yore, and we tried to start a conversation about the election that nobody wants to even discuss all that much. Will Labour manage to get over the line to put into effect these quite sane policies that feature on the above pledge card?

Probably not, since the Tory lead is an insurmountable twenty points. It will most likely be reduced, but there will still be enough for a tasty majority that will almost certainly attack the triple lock on pensions. As I am due to get mine in five years, and the other two shortly afterwards, it looks like a poverty stricken old age for us and millions of others.

Then I remembered many years ago when someone rang me at my then house in Mexico and announced that he represented Conservatives Abroad, or some such outfit, and did I want to register to vote so that I could help choose our next Prime Minister?

I replied that I would not wish to be so presumptuous as to try and influence Her Majesty's choice as to who Her next Prime Minster should be.

He did not get the joke. The utter fuckwit who claimed to be a Tory activist did not get the joke. I think I just put the receiver down on him after a few moments of silence on his part.

We decided that the only hope Labour has is if dickheads like my caller all those years ago are now running the Tory election campaign.

Then we started talking about something else...

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

General Election Called for June: Uncle Ken's First Thoughts

Subject to a vote in the Commons tomorrow we will have a general election on the 8th June 2017, a fact which has taken many of us by surprise. My immediate reaction is that the Tories are odds-on to win with an increased majority, Labour are equally certain to remain the official opposition, the Liberal Democrats will win a few seats and the SNP will lose a few.

Labour is now a party which supports Brexit, albeit not the hard version that the Tories now seem to want. Thus, if you are a leftist who voted against the EU last June, a vote for Labour this June makes sense. It is safe to return to the fold, in other words, as Brexit is a done-deal. I have always thought that the eventual agreement that will lead the UK out of the EU would be one that would satisfy nobody very much, but which we can all sort of live with.

In Scotland the Tories are clearly on a roll, and could take a handful of seats off the SNP. The SNP are in a bit of a bind as the country is not just divided along pro and anti European lines but also along pro and anti independence ones as well. This may very well be an election in which some Scottish voters decide to resolve those conundrums by casting their ballots for British parties, and reserving their SNP votes for the Holyrood elections.

Will the people turn out to vote across the UK? There is a feeling across the board that we are all a bit weary of elections, and June comes hard on the heels of May, which is when many of us will be expected to vote in the local elections. All of this comes after the 2014 Scottish independence referendum, the UK general election in 2015, that was followed by the Scottish general elections in 2016 and then the Brexit vote later the same year.  I am a political enthusiast, but if I am getting weary of it all then God knows how the average punter feels.

We shall see what happens as the campaigns take off. My prediction is based on a reading of the situation today, but there is everything to play for, as there always is in a general election.

Saturday, 15 April 2017

Uncle Ken's Guide to STV Voting

The UK goes to the polls on the 4th May 2017 to elect councillors across the country. For people in Scotland that means working out the intricacies of the single transferable vote system which is used here at local level. It looks complicated, but fear not, 'cos once you get the hang of STV it becomes dead easy.

Each ward is multi-member with three or four candidates being chosen to represent it. The voters cast their ballots by writing a number next to a candidates name, starting with "1" and going as far down the ballot paper as they choose, or until they run out of candidates. So as far as we, the punters, are concerned it's just a case of listing the candidates based upon how much they appeal to us.

The easiest way to get elected is to have more first preference votes than the number set by the quota, and before your eyes start glazing over, lemme quickly explain how the quota is set. 

Right, you create the quota by dividing the number of eligible ballots returned by the number of seats to be filled, plus one. Then you take that number and add another one to it.

You eyes are glazing over, so let's have a concrete example: a ward has an election and one hundred ballots are returned that have been correctly filled in. Four councillors are to be elected, so you get the quota by dividing 100 into five, that being the four seats plus one. A hundred divided by five comes to twenty, so you take twenty, add one to it and get twenty-one. So twenty-one becomes the quota needed to get elected on the first round of counting in this mythical election.

A candidate who got thirty first preference votes would obviously be elected, but the beauty of STV is that the nine votes that he got above his quota of twenty-one would be distributed to his second preference candidate and could help that man be returned as well.

Once no other candidates can be elected via the first round, we go onto the second which is when the candidate who finished last is eliminated and his second preferences are distributed. If seats still need to be filled, the candidate who took the second last spot is then eliminated, and his second preferences are doled out, and so on until all the seats have been filled.

Sadly, the parties seem to think that they should only run two candidates in four seat wards, with Labour even trying to get its voters to cast a first preference for one candidate in one half of the ward, with a first preference for the other in the other half. There is no reason to do that under STV, since the system helps political parties. All Labour needs to do is tell people to vote for the party list, and if the first candidate goes well over quota, his second preferences are given out. If that candidate is then elected with votes to spare, the surplus is then given out to the third preference and so on.

Luckily for the left, a certain David Jacobsen is standing for the Socialist Labour Party, and hopefully Labour's activists will ask people to vote for him as their third preference.

Labour alone of all the parties has a very efficient electoral machine and activists who are willing to go and knock on doors to jolly the punters along. The other parties can mount street stalls, but that is not enough to get the vote out. Besides, people like it when candidates knock on their doors and at least go through the motions of trying to persuade us that they really do give a shit about our concerns.

All good fun that is coming our way on the 4th May 2017!

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Federast Funnies 8

The Guardian's very own Mrs Grundy and the gang are on a roll tonight, but it serves the silly sods right for getting Al Murray to tell us that comedy has a liberal or leftwing bias, an idea which is bollocks of the highest order as I went along and pointed out:

So, some bloke comes along as tells me that I should be doing stand-up, to which I reply thusly:

Within minutes my comment had been culled by Mrs Grundy or one of her minions. Luckily for you, I tend to grab screenshots of my Guardian comments, 'cos I know how quickly the Guardianistas crawl into their safe spaces and scream for Mrs Grundy's help.

So, the honours of that go to the Brexiteers, but I would like that thank all the anally retentive Federasts who demanded that a jokey comment be removed from a story about humour.

Here's a real comedian showing them how comedy is really done:

That's all folks!

Monday, 10 April 2017

Get Your Signed Copy of The Brexit Collection Direct From the Author

The Brexit Collection is available from Amazon, your favourite bookshop or directly from the publisher at the low price of £6.99, with or without posting and packing, depending on the seller.

Signed copies are also available from me at the super low price of just a tenner, and that includes postage! Drop me a line and I will give you my details so that you can send a cheque, postal order or make a payment straight into my account. I can also accept PayPal payments, so get in touch if you want to pay by that method. 

Don't forget to let me know about any special dedications as they can be included at no extra cost!

I know that many of you have read The Brexit Collection as a Kindle for just £1.99, but think how marvellous it will be to have a signed copy on your bookshelf just in time for the visit by your sanctimoniously odious relatives who voted Remain and have never let you forget it. As soon as they see that you have a signed copy they will probably walk out of your house and never return, something which has got to be worth a tenner of anyone's money.

Our American friends don't need to feel left out, as I am quite happy to send a signed copy across the Atlantic for just $20.00, including international shipping.
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