Uncle Ken's Recipes: Caldo Tlalpeño

It is bollock freezing cold at the moment so time for one of Uncle Ken's recipes, this one being for Caldo Tlalpeño. It's a soup that combines cheapness with cheerfulness, with an ease of preparation second to none. Serve it up to the pretty miniskirt that you fancy and it will give you an air of sophistication, which will help your strategy to get her knickers down no end. 

You will need:

1 can chicken broth
1 can  potato and leek soup
1 can chickpeas (drained)
1 small can mixed vegetables (Optional)
1 pack of chicken chunks - value range are perfect.
A couple of chopped onions or a good handful of frozen chopped onions - I always go for the latter on the fuck-it principle.
Salt & pepper
1 or 2 teaspoons of hot chilli powder
One sliced guacamole. (Often used in Mexico, but since they tend to be expensive in this country I don't use 'em in my version.)
Double cream (Optional)
Nacho squeeze cheese (Optional)

In a saucepan add all the ingredients, except for the cheese, cream and guacamole, if you are using them.

Bring it to the boil and then reduce the heat to simmer. You then let it simmer for about the time it will take you to smoke a cigarette. Make sure you stir it a lot to stop anything sticking to the bottom of your saucepan.

When the food looks almost right, add your guacamole to the pan and continue to stir for another minute or two.

Ladle out the dishes and add your cream to the top with the cheese squeezed over it. Do not stir before serving.

If you have added too much chilli then more cream will ease the fire that you have lit in your guest's mouth.

That's it - cheap, cheerful and dead easy to make.

If you want to be super cool, then you can explain to the little darling sitting opposite you that Tlapan is historically the southern entrance to Mexico City and back in the early Twentieth Century it was where the trams and city buses stopped. Country buses also stopped there, so people travelling in and out of the city has to change at Tlalpan.

Mexico being Mexico people began to sell all types of hot food and some bright spark created Caldo Tlalpeño out of whatever ingredients she had to hand that day. It had to have been a woman 'cos they run the street food stalls.

This is vintage, cheap urban street food so forget all the fancy recipes for it that you can find online. Street cooks will use whatever chillis they have to hand so by tossing in a teaspoonful of powdered chilli you are keeping with that tradition. Some add carrots, others don't, so if you fancy adding a can of mixed veggies to the pot, then go right ahead.

These days the street sellers add rice to the mix, mainly because rice is cheap and it means they can bulk the plate out. I haven't included rice in my recipe, but if you want to add it, that's up to you.

Then buen provecho as they say in Mexico.

Federast Funnies 9

We haven't had a Federast Funny for quite some time, probably because the Guardian hasn't given us anything to laugh at all that much. Today, however, the paper made up for its lackadaisical approach by giving us a real gem.

John Harris, who is one of the saner Federasts, gave us a piece which took issue with the fact that so many Federasts think that they are so very clever. He might have added, but didn't, that it is this window-licking level of stupidity that accounts for their defeat and inability to salvage anything from that defeat. 

So, being a warm, cuddly, decent soul, I did it for him with this comment:

Perhaps needless to say, the comment lasted less than 15 minutes before being deleted. That could only have happened because any number of thick as pigshit Federasts with their crappy little poly degrees, puerile desire for status and local-government non-jobs took umbrage at my truthful prose and went a-whining to the Guardian's very own Mrs Grundy. 

I should have pointed out that now that Scotland has declared itself hors de combat, London is an isolated island in a deep Brexit sea. So long as the rest of us who do not live in London keep our Brexit coalition alive then we can continue to outvote the fuckers in the Smoke.

A pity they are too stupid to realise that simple truth.

Every Little Helps to Increase Tesco's Profits

I always thought of myself as a fan of Old Mother Tesco, but my sense of good feeling towards the old girl is becoming a bit strained. Yeah, she knows how to treat her basic Scottish punters as you can see from the above photo, but the rest of us are not exactly feeling the lurve that we used to.

In the pub tonight I got a text telling me that as of the 16th March the cost of my Tesco mobile phone contract will go down from the £10.21 a month that I pay to just a tenner, and for that I will get 500 minutes, 5000 texts and 10 gig of data. The problem is that my existing contract gives me unlimited texts and unlimited data...

As the bloke I was drinking with said, we should all go and dance in the streets 'cos Big Brother has just announced an increase in the chocolate ration.

The good news about all this is that it confirms what a lot of people already think: modern capitalism really is not just about shafting people, it's also about pretending that they are doing us these humongous favours while they do it.

Can We Get Stormy Daniels to Come to Britain?

Back in the day when the Monica Lewinsky scandal was breaking I was offered a signed photo of Bill Clinton's favourite cigar holder but turned down the offer, a mistake that I did not make with Stormy Daniels. Thanks to Behind The Scenes, a major British autograph supplier I have the above-signed photo of Stormy at a price that can only be described as a steal compared to what the Americans are paying for this lady's autograph.

Say what you like about Donald Trump, but he has a fine taste in sleazy females. I mean, he's not only married to the only First Lady who has flashed her rack all over the web, but she also has a rack worth flashing, unlike almost all of the previous presidential wives who have occupied the White House. All I can say about any of them, excluding Jackie Kennedy, is thank God they stayed clothed when the cameras were around.

Sad to relate, but Melania Trump looks to me as if she is trying to put her checkered past behind her and start the slow, steady decline into respectability. Sure, she has a long way to go, but that seems to be her aim, more's the pity.

You cannot say the same about Stormy, which is why this post is about her. I dunno about you but I would just love to grab hold of Stormy's knockers, one in each hand, lift 'em upwards and outwards, and then stick my head between 'em and go brrrrrrr.

By all accounts, Trump is due to pay a state visit to the UK later on this year, so what are the chances of Stormy coming over as well?

I have written to her asking just that question. If I get a reply then you will be the first to know!

Now the Snowflakes Want to Change the Spanish Word for Black as They Think It's Racist

Allow me to introduce the people of Britain to the very lovely Becky Macias, 18, who lives in Detroit, Michigan, and is a native Spanish speaker:

Becky has a dog and had she named the mutt in English he would probably be called Blackie, but because she is Hispanic she used the Spanish word, which is Negro. 

Negro went missing and Becky was so upset that she put out an appeal for her dog on Twitter:

That was when her problems began as you can see if you follow the Twitter feed at this link. In a nutshell, people who do not speak Spanish decided that the Spanish word for black is inherently and wickedly waycist. Presumably, they will shortly start an online petition to get all Spanish speakers to stop using the word because a bunch of monolingual mental defects thinks that Spanish and English are just the same.

The good news is that Negro came home of his own accord and Becky is very happy about that:

The bad news is that these fuckwits are out there in Britain as well. They have crappy "degrees" from even crappier institutions that are now allowed to degrade the name university. They do local-government non-jobs and voted to keep the UK in the European Union. Their stupidity knows no bounds and they infest the web with their inanities.

We must not argue with them. We must treat them with utter and total contempt and let our mockery wash over them until they learn to shut they fat, stupid, semi-educated cakeholes around us for fear of receiving yet more of our mockery.

Our advice to Federasts and Snowflakes is simple, and is summed up with this little meme:

Can Henry Bolton Turn UKIP around?

The above cartoon is being passed around Westminster by Tory members who may be counting their chickens far too early. It is quite possible that Henry Bolton may do a Corbyn routine and surprise everyone by defying UKIP's senior figures and putting the shambolic party into some sort of order, with the support of his party's rank and file.

Britain needs a party of protest, a role that was carried out very well indeed by the Liberal-Democrats until 2010. Then they decided that they were actually a serious party, so joined in a coalition with the Tories, voted to increase student fees, along with raising the pension age and doing over the claimants. They paid the price for that in 2015 and were given an extra dose of stuffing two years later. 

So, the political vacuum is there and UKIP could be the party to fill it. The Kippers are helped by the fact that they are now the party of hard Brexit, which gives them a very unique selling point indeed since there are a lot of people who just want to be rid of the whole EU debate. They voted to leave the EU and cannot understand why the government has not told Brussels to take its hook.

A streamlined UKIP would still not win many seats, but that is not the job of a protest party, is it? What UKIP could do is take votes off both main parties and continue to keep the political system off-balance and force both Labour and Tory to adopt a far harder line with the EU than they have hitherto been willing to do.

  Bolton has two things going for him. The first, funnily enough, is Jo Marney, his rather sexy bit of totty pictured above in all her glory who is clearly enamoured with the middle-aged, balding, former army captain. She may offend the Guardian reading wankerati, but such people are never going to vote for UKIP, anyway, so they can be ignored. 

Having access to Jo's assets gives our Henry a Trumpian type aura that offends the people who should be offended and makes millions of others chortle with delight at the randy old rogue. Just as Donald Trump is able to shrug off the howls of the people who have always hated him, not least because he gets decent talent like Stormy Daniels to lie down for him and then shows no signs of being embarrassed by his horizontal actions. Bolton can do likewise just so long as he remembers that Trump does not try to appeal to the wankier element in American society. He knows where his bedrock is to be found and he speaks only to them. Henry Bolton must do the same - and take the luscious Jo with him as a giant two-fingered salute to the British wankerati. Just so long as she is told to keep her pretty mouth shut, that is.

However, before that can happen, Bolton needs to structure UKIP professionally. He should remember that what kept the Liberals alive during the dark post-war years was the fact that they had an organisation to fall back on. The Social Democrats didn't, which is why the Liberals were able to swallow the SDP pretty much whole when it came to unifying both parties.

If Bolton can turn UKIP into more of a British army battalion, and less of a ragtag guerilla band that it is at the moment, then his battle will have been won. That means getting rid of the big swinging egos who will oppose any leader because they think that they can do a better job than him and just cannot understand why nobody else happens to agree with them. 

Nigel Farage, who is still the best asset that UKIP has, seems to be supporting Bolton in this and if Arron Banks, the money man behind UKIP when Farage led it can be brought onside, then the Banks/Farage plan to create a new hard Brexit pressure group may be put on hold to give our Henry a chance.

The next step will be the special conference that will be called to try and unseat Bolton. If he can appeal directly to the rank and file at that conference, then UKIP will be his and he can streamline and professionalise it. The party could be structured as Farage wanted to structure his pressure group into one that mimics both the Tories and New Labour. The membership will have no real control over anything, with policy being made at the national level as it is with the Tories. Focus groups would then be used to decide policy, an idea that was stolen from New Labour.

It all sounds very simple, but Nigel Farage was not able to turn UKIP's chaos into order, and neither were the two leaders who followed him, although they both tried. Henry Bolton might be more successful because so many senior figures have resigned over his affair with Jo Marney.

Britian needs a protest party and UKIP can still be it, if Henry Bolton can seize his moment.

With UKIP on the Verge of Collapse, Nigel Farage May Be Set for a Comeback

Today has been a fun day for UKIP watchers, with the party's national executive committee voting unanimously for a no-confidence motion in the leader, Henry Bolton.

How this came about is due to some texts that Jo Marney, Henry's admittedly rather delightful mistress sent which criticised Prince Harry's choice of an American bride. 

Those texts were leaked by Annabelle Fuller, the former mistress of the former leader, Nigel Farage. So the current lover of the current UKIP leader was done over by the former lover of the former leader - are you with me as far as we've come?

Jolly good! Now then, the rumour has it that Farage knew about this plot and has plans of his own to set up a UKIP Mark Two if Bolton resigns. The point is that UKIP is on its beam-end financially and cannot even afford to pay its leader a salary, so another leadership election is pretty much out of the question. Thus if UKIP does fold there will be a space on the political spectrum for a hard Brexit outfit that is not made up of anally retentive cardigan wearers who all seem to be married to women with cruel perms.

The idea would be to have a movement that is directed centrally with local associations that do as they are told, a set-up that is obviously based on the one used by the Conservatives. If it becomes popular then it may morph into a political party that would run candidates, but their selection would be kept out of the hands of the cardigan wearers.

Nigel Farage would be the president, with Arron Banks the chairman and cheque signer. Richard Tice of Leave Means Leave is also being tipped for a senior role. All in all, the idea is to have a centrally controlled organisation where the fruitcakes and loonies are expected to cheer the policies that emerge from the central committee's deliberations. Those deliberations would be aided by focus groups a la New Labour under Tony Blair.

UKIP probably should have shut up shop after the referendum victory as their reason to exist came to an end. That the debate is now between hard and soft Brexit is also clear, so the need for a pressure group that will push for the hardcore version is also pretty obvious. 

That said, given the utter chaos that is British politics today, quite where all this will end up is anyone's guess.