Tuesday 9 June 2015

Tories back down on some of Scotland's subsidies

Today was a good news day for Scotland as the partial surrender of the Tory demand that Scotland make cuts of £170 million in its budget has been announced. The Tories have agreed to only £107 million instead, but sources in Tory HQ tell me that much of this will be covered by payments in other areas.

For instance the subsidy which allows the Scottish government to provide the BBC with a backdrop of saltire flags and bagpipe players no matter what the television report is actually about will  be increased and could go towards making up the new shortfall. "The advantage of this is that it will not only please the Scots, but it also means that the BBC stereotype of all things Scottish can be maintained," said my source who only agreed to speak on conditions of anonymity and following a promise that I made to keep quiet about a sex video she made during her days at Oxford thirty years ago.

Some cuts may have to be made in the door to door service that is currently provided to take the unemployed to and from home when they have to sign on, but my source told me that the Tories are hopeful that First Minster Nicola Sturgeon will agree that one car can collect and then take home three claimants at a time.

How will the hard working families in places like Nuneaton take this? My source told me that all is under control: "If they are stupid enough to believe that a vote for Labour last month would lead to a Scottish clan army invading Nuneaton and doing to it what the Soviet army did to Nemmesdorf in 1944, then they will swallow whatever guff we give them," she said. "They will probably think that this report of yours is the truth and that I am not a figment of your over-pornographic mind," she concluded, truthfully.

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