Thursday 24 December 2015

Pigs in blankets are renamed Cameron's Delights

All ready for Christmas dinner? Remember that pigs in blankets are now called Cameron's Delights, in honour of our illustrious Prime Minister and the love he has for schlonging pigs.

Just make sure that the sausages that you make 'em with are chipotle sized!

Merry Christmas to one and all.

Wednesday 23 December 2015

Donald Trump and the schlonging of Hilary Clinton

I am developing a soft spot for Donald Trump, if only because he manages to annoy all the people whose presence on this planet leave me feeling in need of a bath. The lovely thing is that with his most recent comment he did it just by telling the truth.

The Donald pointed out that Hillary Clinton had been defeated badly by Barack Obama when the two had battled for the Democratic nomination for the White House and that was enough to have the pure at heart reaching for their smelling salts.

OK, he didn't put it quite like that. What he said was: "She was going to beat Obama. She was favoured to win and she got schlonged. She lost, I mean she lost." However, it means the same thing. As the British would say: Hillary was given a right good shagging.

Instead of trying to argue that Hillary was not shagged - or schlonged, depending on which version of English you speak - the pure at heart are hoping to make people forget that simple fact by talking about The Donald's use of language. 

As part of that strategy the silly sods reminded us that back in April The Donald quoted as young Texan woman who demolished Hillary Clinton in just 16 words: "If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband what makes her think that she can satisfy America?"

They thought that this was another example of Trump's offensive speech, and either forgot or just didn't know that he was quoting the words of a woman. However, the real problem is that it also reminds America of Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky and Bill's love of cigars...

Somebody should have a quiet word in the ears of America's pure at heart. The reason why The Donald is doing so well is that he gives people a chance to give the American version of the two-fingered salute to them.
‘If Hillary Clinton Can’t Satisfy Her Husband, What Makes Her Think She Can Satisfy America?’ - See more at:
‘If Hillary Clinton Can’t Satisfy Her Husband, What Makes Her Think She Can Satisfy America?’ - See more at:

Saturday 19 December 2015

Labour & Tories present a joint guide to losing an election

It's rare to have a weekend when both Labour and the Tories drop electoral bollocks, but by God this weekend was one to remember for such an event.

First up was Diane Abbott, pictured above stuffing her gullet with something or other. The Hockney Hippo appeared to stick the boot in her own party when she airily claimed, “I mean, it is too late now to rebuild the position in Scotland in time for May." 

Now parties may suspect that they are going to be left with their arses hanging out the electoral window, but rule one of politics is that you don't say that publicly before the election. 

If you break that rule then it makes you look like a bunch of incompetent losers, something which David "Fluffy" Mundell should have remembered before he went on the break it himself.

Fluffy is the last surviving Tory MP in Scotland, and his contribution to the weekend's joint train crash was to tell the good people of Scotland that they should vote Tory to avoid the country becoming a one party state run by the SNP.

That's right: he wasn't saying how great his party was, or what it would do for the country, merely that we should cast as sort of sympathy vote for his ramshackle outfit just to stop the government that most of us actually quite like from getting too many seats.

So an own goal apiece for both parties, but then Labour came along, dribbled the ball from the half way line right into their own area and scored a blistering goal into the back of their own net. You don't believe me: meet the Labour candidate for the Glasgow Southside seat in next years Scottish General Election:

No, it's not a bloke, it is actually a bird that answers to the name of Fariha Thomas. This woman is so unknown that she has not yet had an insulting nickname bestowed upon her. She has sat as a Glasgow councillor for all of three years, is from London originally and is a convert to Islam.

Glasgow Southside, in case you were wondering, is Nicola Sturgeon's seat. Now I accept that Labour has little chance of winning it, but did they have to choose a candidate who is so far removed from Glasgow, not to say Scotland's, mainstream?

I try to understand what if going through the minds of the two old parties, I really do. The problem is that they come over as two little bunny rabbits caught in the blazing headlights of the SNP truck that is charging down the road and will soon squash them

Friday 4 December 2015

Labour romps to victory in Oldham West & Royton leaving Kippers smoked

Labour swept to victory in Oldham West & Royton yesterday with an increased share of the vote. Given that an awful lot of people in the media and political bubble were predicting a narrow win, and many were dreaming about the party losing the seat, that means arses have been left stinging all round.

Nigel Farage the UKIP leader rather engagingly lost the plot completely and began to bang on about how the result must have been a fix. His more deranged followers took up that theme, and are now going postal all over the web. For their part the Tories who saw their share of the vote collapse to a derisory 2,500 votes are keeping very quiet in the hope that people will not start laughing at them for this utter failure.

So how did Labour manage it? I will argue that four factors need to be considered:

The first is that Labour under old Stormin' Corbyn really is the party that wants to keep the wages up, the management down and the benefits flowing. The press and UKIP may rattle on about immigration and the like, but working class people in places like Oldham are used to having to make compromises as the price they have to pay to get some of their issues addressed. They may not like Labour's social policies, but so long as the party represents their economic interests then they will support it. 

Secondly, Oldham has changed enormously in the forty years since I had the misfortune to work there. Back then the town really was an isolated shithole, with shops that closed an lunchtime, and its very own lower middle class of shopkeepers and small businessmen.

Today if you want to buy a pie in Oldham then you go to Greggs, which is part of a chain. Buying a newspaper involves going into a shop run by a Pakistani. That traditional, white, lower middle class, commercial group who ran things forty years ago from their small, independent shops are no longer around. Given that those type of people are the bedrock that UKIP rests upon, it should be obvious why the party does not have a voting core in Oldham.

Oldham has a middle class, of course it does, but they are what I like to call the polyocracy who are employed in local government, teaching or the NHS. They are not going to vote for parties like the Tories or UKIP who want to do them over economically. The Pakistani population is just as poor as its British counterparts, but is also outraged by the latest Middle East war, so you can forget them. The rest of the population, roughly sixty percent in total, are largely made up of unskilled and semi-skilled working class people who have been ignored by Labour for at least a generation. Then along came Corbyn and all of a sudden there are polices that Labour's core voters can get their teeth into - is it any wonder that they voted Labour?

Thirdly, Labour has an electoral machine, which may be a bit rusty after the Blair years, but could still be greased up and set in motion. The influx of several hundred volunteers from all over Britain who travelled to Oldham at their own expense to canvass in the pouring rain, before going to sleep another night on someone's sofa was all it needed to get the machine firing on all cylinders.

Working class people actually rather like being canvassed in person. They like it when someone knocks on the door and tells them how important their vote is, especially when it is piss pouring it down with rain outside. People are used to being ignored or taken for granted by just about everyone, and there's a knock on the door and there's some pretty little girl, dripping wet, but determined to treat them as if they matter.

Finally, Labour had a perfect candidate in Jim McMahon. A local man who left school at 16, and then worked his balls off to provide for his family. He is dismissed as a right-winger by some of the Trots, but he is actually an old Labour man who wants what is right for his people. Had Blair still been in power then some Oxbridge type would have been forced on the constituency, but Corbyn left the local party to make its own choice and they chose wisely.

Looked at in those terms, it is amazing that anyone really believed that Labour could do anything other than triumph in Oldham West & Royton.
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