Friday, 2 March 2018

Uncle Ken's Winter Motoring Survival Tips


As the M80 motorway finally clears of the over one thousand vehicles that had been stuck on it for up to 24 hours, I think it is time to make a few sensible points about the need to be prepared for emergencies such as this. Please note that there is a world of difference between being prepared and being a prepper. The former are sane, sensible people and the latter tend to be nutters who fantasise about the end of the world. So, what can sane and sensible people do to prepare for a crisis such as the appalling weather than we have endured in Scotland over the past few days? 

Many people stuck on that motorway were complaining that their cars were almost out of fuel so rule number one is never let your car's fuel gauge fall below the halfway mark. I tend to top up at the three-quarter line, and only let the tank fall to near the red line on a warm summer's day when I am travelling down to London from Edinburgh.

I learned that lesson from long years living in various third world places where petrol arrives or it doesn't and nobody seems to care when the stations are out of fuel. The people yesterday who got stuck on the motorway with only a small amount of petrol in their tanks and who could not turn on their engines from time to time to warm up the car have now learned that lesson as well, so let it be a warning to one and all to keep their tanks topped up.

Another thing that people stuck on the motorway complained about was the fact that their mobile 'phones were about the die on them. Quite how anyone can fail to have a mobile 'phone charger in their car that works off the cigarette lighter is beyond me. I have only ever used mine once or twice but it is in the car and ready to be used if the need arises.

As a young man back in the 1970s I always had a blanket in my car, a gaily coloured thing that I used to leave over the back seat, along with a small holdall in the boot that had an old pair of jeans, some comfortable old trainers and a couple of days supply of underwear, socks and T-shirts. Eventually, I added a small travel kettle to the holdall, along with a plastic bag that had tea, coffee, powdered milk, sugar and an unopened packet of fags in it. Not bad planning for a fellow in his very early twenties, eh?

Let me explain what was going on. In those days I was a keen shagging man who would go with anything female that was still breathing, moderately clean and wearing a skirt. For that reason, I knew where every discrete carpark was in the whole of Manchester, so if I pulled a bit of totty who didn't live in a flat of her own, I could take her to a quiet carpark to engage in a legover situation.

Don't ask me why, but the blanket helped persuade more than one tasty bit of fluff to let me separate her from her clothes in the back of my car. It was as if the act of covering us both with the blanket made everything safe in her mind. Given that the original blanket was only in the car by chance, once I realised that it allowed me to add more notches to my cock, it was swiftly replaced by the multicoloured, double blanket that stayed in whatever car I owned for donkey's years.

The clothes came about because on more than one occasion I found myself miles from home, enjoying a one night stand and hated to have to travel home in the same clothes as the night before since by then those clothes stank of my sweat and tobacco mingled with her perfume. A change of clothes made sense, as did sticking them in a holdall and then leaving everything in the boot of my car. 

I even stuck a spare toothbrush, some toothpaste and a deodorant spray in the bag as well. I don't think I packed a razor since I was quite happy with the unshaven apres shag look.

The kettle and drinks' supplies came about because I once drove a rather nice little goer over to her place in Bolton or Blackburn - I forget which - and the next morning the cheeky mare threw me out without even a cup of tea to keep me going let alone a decent breakfast, all with the feeble excuse that she was late for work! She even expected me to drive her to her place of work, something which I still think was sauce of the highest order. Anyway, being a decent soul I dropped her off sort of near to where she wanted to go since she had said that there was a cafe in that area. There wasn't, and I think that was a ploy to get a ride, so driving home with a mouth that felt like the inside of a Turkish wrestler's jockstrap, I decided there and then that nonsense like that was never going to happen ever again.

In case you are wondering, my boot also had a one-gallon plastic bottle of water in it. My cars tended to have leaky radiators so water was something I always carried. Anyway, the travel kettle, plus supplies meant that I could pull over in a layby and make myself a cup of tea to wake myself up with. The change of clothes made me feel sort of human again, and the spare packet of cigarettes prevented me from pressing the pedal to the metal in frustration. Hey, life was not only simple. it was also bloody good in those days...

The need to appease the brain between my legs may have been my motivation for being prepared, but the contents of my boot came in handy on more than one occasion as I drove along a motorway and found that there was a major pileup in front that blocked my journey. Just being able to get off the road and pull over somewhere to let the traffic-free up with a drink and whatever snacks I had in the car made my extended journey tolerable.

If the worse came to the worse, I could always wrap myself in the blanket and doss in the car. Sooner or later the road would clear and I would be able to get on my way.

So, make sure you always keep your petrol tank topped up and you have a mobile 'phone charger to hand in your car. Keep some water and warm clothes in the boot along with a thick double blanket to wrap yourself in if the need arises.

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